Pillow Thoughts Read online

  Wear socks to bed

  Or if they have

  Special occasion clothes

  Hanging in their closets

  So if you’re ever wondering

  If someone thinks about you

  From time to time

  Then maybe this is your answer

  I think about you a lot

  I wonder if anyone is thinking about me too

  But what is involved in a happily ever after? There are too many versions, not for you to choose, but to create.

  I know you feel like your best

  Wasn’t enough

  I know you feel like all the hours

  Were wasted

  I know you feel disappointed

  In yourself

  But even though you feel

  These things

  Probably all at once right now

  I just want you to know

  That you’re more than what

  You believe

  I look at you

  And I know that you’re

  Smart

  And beautiful

  And capable

  I believe in you

  And I’ll tell you every day

  Until you believe it too

  emotional and messy

  sometimes lost and confused

  but if you only realised

  the wisdom behind those eyes

  with a heart that never lies

  would you storm the world

  like you haven’t a thing to lose?

  and I know you’re

  a little insecure

  and you think

  just a little too much

  but for all the times

  you think you’re

  not what someone

  needs

  I’m thinking that

  you are

  You are a collection of miracles, bound together by sunlight. But you are also much more than that; you are a story, a home, a wolf that howls in the night.

  Your feelings are valid and real. Do not let anybody denounce them just because they do not feel the same way. These feelings do not make you weak or clingy or overly emotional. They make you strong, brave and beautiful. You are not merely made of stardust; you are the comet streaking through the sky on the way to do good and bright things.

  There were many occasions when placing an out of order sign across your heart seemed the wisest decision to make. Only you didn’t. Instead you kept your heart open, invited people in. And even when they were reckless, messy and selfish you chose to remain open: a shift that never ends, a light that always stays on, a beacon in the darkest night, a melody that carries on. I am in awe of you: an open prairie amongst an ever-changing cycle of wind.

  The days will not stop, they will come for you. As easily as the moon lights the night sky and the sun rises, the days will come. So you must have courage, dear friend, courage in your heart to do all that must be done.

  Maybe you’re running scared because running is better than letting someone else in. But the truth is you can’t spend your whole life running. It’s exhausting living in fear. Slow down. Chances and risks keep life interesting.

  You’re still here you know,

  under all the messy things,

  under the stress, the anxiety, the sadness,

  you’re still you.

  Come up for some air,

  there are bright skies up here.

  You have to pull yourself up,

  I know you feel like you can’t,

  but you can.

  I believe in you,

  more than you know.

  I do not see weakness in placing your heart on your sleeve; I see bravery in a world that can be cruel. I see something raw and beautiful in being as honest as you can be.

  You just have to surround yourself with people who have the same heart as you.

  But life is not about half doing. You cannot half love or half accept or half live. It’s about giving everything you have. When you are old and worn, do you really want to look back and say you gave the bare minimum? You owe yourself more than that.

  You can make all the effort in the world and yet someone will still tell you it’s not good enough.

  But this isn’t about them, it’s about you.

  You just need to be enough for you.

  It’s okay to close some doors, hell, it’s even okay to lock them.

  Let’s be frank – there are times it feels the whole world is falling apart. You cannot compare your pain to others’ so why respond with “someone else has it worse”?

  Pain is immeasurable when it’s felt because in that moment it feels like the worst pain on earth.

  Sometimes it’s not even about calculations or careful thinking. Sometimes it’s just about having a little faith that there are still people in the world who only want the best for you.

  But you cannot grow if you are bitter.

  Time has no agenda. You can meet someone and love them right away or grow your love over many years. You could have known someone for eternity and they still could not understand your core existence, yet the stranger at the bus stop knows exactly who you are. Time doesn’t mean a thing.

  Of all the important things you must do today, there is none greater than showing kindness to your heart. For even the brightest make mistakes and the wisest do not have a thing to say. Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, even on your darkest day.

  Change is not going to sit you down and ask if you are ready. Change is not going to knock on your door and hand you notice. Change is not going to hug you in the middle of the night and tell you it can wait. Change does not wait. Change doesn’t care if you aren’t ready. It will happen anyway. Change is not always the friend you may want, but it will always know when you need it.

  It’s like batman, basically.

  If you are soul-searching

  You are a battlefield. Never will there be a greater war than the one you hold with yourself.

  be easy now

  take some time

  to clear the rubble

  in your head

  and teach your heart

  that some things

  are better left unsaid

  don’t worry

  if sometimes things break

  and change and burn

  because these are things

  to help you learn

  and I know they’re still

  a part of you

  inked into your skin

  like a damaged tattoo

  just don’t forget

  to love yourself too

  This sky I look to with birds flying in opposite directions, with a mountain gaze cast downwards, with land chopped up in tiny sections. There are too many ways to feel alone, and not enough places to fall in love. Don’t you understand? I dreamed of love and it gave me too many sleepless nights. And now sometimes I reach so far into the sky, I wake up and I am not even in my bed.

  23

  One day you wake up and you’re twenty-three and you can’t remember what it feels like to be seventeen but you still cry to your mother after a bad day and you look a little older but you don’t really feel it. One day you’re twenty-three and your great aunt is telling you how mature you look and how you grew a little taller but inside you still remember sitting under the oak tree reading with no meetings tomorrow and no rent to pay and the only thing you can think about is how at seventeen you thought at twenty-three you would know everything and now you can’t remember how you got from there to here. But seventeen-year-old you was wrong because you only know some things and not everything.

  You know that coffee tastes better in the mornings and your home isn’t your home anymore it’s ‘Mum and Dads’. You know your car needs servicing every six months and groceries are harder to do after breakups. She liked cookie dough and walnuts and strawberry flavoured milk and now every time you go to the store you can’t buy spaghetti without remembering it was a Friday night and she kissed you for the f
irst time and the heat from her skin could have set your entire place on fire. One day you’re twenty-three and you’re trying to explain to a seventeen-year-old all the mistakes you made so they won’t make them too, when all you really want is for someone to realise you still don’t have the first clue.

  I feel as though I am always writing my first draft. As though my life is a series of edits that I never have time to complete.

  But I am so deeply lost in my own soul, how can I expect anyone else to understand me?

  Why are all the flowers gone?

  I have looked for them everywhere

  In the garden and along the street

  In my bedroom and behind grandma’s chair

  But the flowers are nowhere to be seen

  Why are all the flowers gone?

  Have we done something wrong?

  Do we no longer act on what we mean?

  Do we no longer care enough

  To write about flowers in our songs?

  Why are all the flowers gone?

  Does art make sense to you? You are so brave and quiet; I think you would understand.

  Stop acting like you aren’t enough. You’re strong and beautiful

  and the way you dress or who you like doesn’t change how big your heart is.

  You are important and your hair looks nice and so do your eyes,

  and the way you eat half a tub of ice cream is sexy as hell.

  You are not nothing and you can achieve anything and you are believed in.

  You are someone worth having around and whoever has you now

  or will have you is the lucky one too.

  Why do people tell others what they deserve, but never themselves?

  Stop acting like you aren’t enough because you are.

  Favourite Sweater

  Sometimes you are someone’s favourite sweater. They wear you all the time. They wear you around the house, out to dinner, to the movies or even while they sleep. They wear you in front of their friends and their families and in front of strangers, because you are their favourite sweater and they want everyone to know. As it happens, whether on purpose or by accident, one day they hang you in the back of their closet. Before long, other sweaters are placed before you, and you watch them as they come and go, wondering if you’ll ever be worn again. Soon you become not as accessible. The other sweaters are easily seen and touched and worn. You suddenly become far away. Far away means they forget the colour in your eyes and the way you smell and your voice in the morning. So you hang, collecting dust and watching other sweaters keep the body you love warm. Maybe one day you’ll be pulled from the closet, and they’ll remember how they never felt as warm from all the other sweaters as they did with you. They’ll remember how you promised not to scratch their skin or be stained with lies, and you kept those promises. But as it happens, maybe you were just a sweater, and you were only ever meant to be worn until they no longer needed you.

  You’ve become so damaged

  That when someone

  Wants to give you

  What you deserve

  You have no idea

  How to respond

  There are always too many words to describe the way you are feeling. So why then, when it comes time to say these words, do we lose them?

  If you are in love and withering, then this is not love, because when in love, a rose should bloom.

  Some things will never be fair for everyone. This is the saddest realisation that the universe can teach. So if they are fair for you, remember to be grateful.

  When you have been someone your whole life and suddenly you realise a part of you exists that you never realised before, it’s perhaps the hardest thing to walk away from the you that you have always known. To walk into the open arms of this new redefined you is like saying, I don’t know you very well, but I want to.

  Then I am reminded that life will continue on, regardless of whether I choose to board the train or stay on the platform.

  They always say that transitions happen with big events. Like a wedding, your birthday, or your graduation. But maybe it’s really in the smaller moments, like when you look at yourself in the mirror and realise how far you’ve come or how far you still have to go.

  But a bed is much more than a place to sleep.

  A carnival of dreams

  A playground of growth

  A haven in the dark

  Warmth in the winter

  Restless nights in the summer.

  So when you invite someone to lay with you

  you are inviting them to your safe place.

  Choose wisely.

  Dear Life, you are exhausting at times. You throw more tantrums than I have ever known possible. You slow down, you speed up, you take time and give time. Sometimes there is sunshine and other times there are storms. So I try to break it up a little, take risks, love a lot and find comfort in trying new things. But you are never the same Life, always changing, always keeping me guessing. So I will live you Life, to my absolute potential.

  They don’t teach you that some people will turn on you even after you have loved them with all the atoms in your body.

  They don’t teach you that some days you might not believe the sun will rise, but it will.

  People hurt like you.

  If you are heartbroken, the girl at the cashier or the boy on the train might be too.

  You are not alone.

  Just be kind.

  Teach yourself.

  We are all born with softness, and it’s important to grow into it. Do not let the world turn your heart cold.

  It’s so hard to know what to say

  To someone who feels so lost,

  So I’ll stand here for you

  In the wind and the rain

  And I’ll be the lighthouse you need.

  Take my hand and breathe again

  And I will guide you home.

  That’s the thing about people who are soft. Everyone else thinks they can walk all over them as though they won’t notice. But we do; we notice everything.

  We are built on a foundation

  Of what love is supposed to be

  But today I need to tell you something

  About who I am and who I am meant to be

  And I know you might feel angry

  Or maybe even sad

  But just remember the day I was born

  You promised to always love me

  This is no longer a war I wish to wage

  Between my head and my heart

  I need to come out

  And break free of this cage

  Sometimes I am a rainstorm

  Sometimes I am a drought

  There is no in between

  And I’m begging you to notice

  I’m begging you to care

  Because if I have to keep on hiding

  Then life becomes unfair

  We get older and suddenly what we cannot have becomes just what is. Less becomes plenty and time is a fragment of our short adventure on earth.

  You will always be a lot of things.

  Not everyone is going to like you or understand you.

  And in the times it feels like you are on trial,

  Try to treat others with good intentions,

  Even the ones that don’t deserve it.

  Be you, even when it’s hard.

  If you need a reason to stay

  These words aren’t going to change the world, but maybe they will make you think twice about changing yours.

  Here are some nice things: warm nights after the rain, old books, new books, tea in the afternoon, snow angels, palm trees, smiling, laughing, hugs that make you feel like you are combusting, wet-nosed kisses from your dog, waterfalls, sunsets, a clear night sky, the hopes and dreams of you and I. A kitten curled in your lap, fresh laundry, favourite songs, the morning birds in perfect harmony. Nice simple things to remind you to stay.

  And I promise your heart will go on, as damaged as you think it may seem. I can tell
you that you will be okay, the most okay that anyone has seen.

  There you are

  With all your little

  Inconsistencies

  And all your little

  Flaws

  You push people

  Away

  Because it’s easier

  Simpler

  Secrets in your veins

  Hidden years in your

  Eyes

  Please don’t be

  Afraid

  I know what you are

  It’s written under your skin

  Three little words

  You mean everything

  By existing you are planting softness in soil that has turned hard. There is no need to surrender your existence. You are doing just fine by even existing at all.

  Some days you are raw

  and things are falling apart

  and when you look in the mirror

  you see an enemy

  someone you hate with all your heart,