Stitching the Soul Read online

  It’s not that I have closed myself off or that I’ve changed. I’ve just been hurt too many times before. Giving to people who waste my compassion becomes exhausting. My happiness is important. The happiness of the ones I love is important, and I’ve lived enough time on this earth to not allow anybody to try and ruin that.

  Growing from struggles, lost friendships, and self-destruction doesn’t mean changing who you are. It means learning yourself over, figuring out what makes you the best you that you can be.

  I have miles to go

  before I lay my head

  to rest

  I have seasons to live

  before I regrow

  and blossom

  I have caution to throw

  to the wind

  before I keep my promises

  The voice may never go away; it will creep into your bedroom in the middle of the night, whisper that you are worthless and can’t do anything right. But you are louder than the voice, you are stronger than the things keeping you down. You exist because you deserve to be here.

  The setbacks will come. Whether you are mentally prepared or not, they will come. Because this is life. You will be disappointed in the things you do—maybe studying is too difficult, maybe you didn’t get that job, maybe you broke someone’s heart or they broke yours, maybe you feel lonelier than you have ever felt. But the thing to remember most is you are always in your own corner. Cheer yourself on in the times it feels too hard to carry on. Hold yourself to a standard to keep going; you are more than the challenges you face, more than the struggle of life. You are a golden opportunity to make things right.

  Sometimes two people fall out of love. There isn’t anyone to blame, it’s just things don’t stay the same. It doesn’t make sense, and you’ll spend your moments with a mile of what-ifs. But even while the best intentions aren’t always enough, it doesn’t mean you aren’t. Healing starts when you stop blaming yourself or the love that went wrong. You can mend, all on your own.

  Loneliness often hurts. It suddenly becomes hard to put on shoes and carry on with your day. It feels as though your heart has split in two, and your jagged edges make the world seem frightening. But this is when you need the light of the day most. Love the earth in the way it loves you. It will get easier with every breath.

  If I could lay all my memories out on a table in photographs, there would be some I wish I could take away. But the most important thing I’ve learned is that in each one I’m never alone. In every photograph, I’ve come to always find my way home.

  In the quiet hours, when darkness creeps in and the loneliness surfaces and chooses to begin, I want you to know that, while I hope many things for you, more than anything, I hope that feeling part of something special within these pages—a journey, a promise, a place to begin—always reminds you of a home we have built out of thinking of each other.

  If your soul is searching

  Every item abandoned in the lane comes with its own story, a hidden message to the pain. Broken bottles and worn-out furniture, forgotten toys and empty bags. There is very little difference between your riches and their rags.

  We kissed, and you laughed because you had never kissed a friend before. I was nervous because all I’ve ever wanted is to be something more. And I should have told you how soft your lips were, but I didn’t, because part of me knew you were thinking about her.

  I always knew when you were at home because there would be fresh coffee brewed and the bed made. All our pictures on the walls of a life we used to live, of all the beginnings and firsts we shared. But now there is no coffee in the pot, and the bed isn’t made, and all the photos on the wall are just memories that will eventually fade.

  She’s been packing suitcases all her life, running from country to country to soak in all the new sites. She’s been meeting new people but refusing to get close. And in all the adventures and all the excitement, all she’s ever wanted was for someone to give her a reason to stay.

  You can’t carry people on your shoulders

  when you are searching for your own soul

  This journey is about you

  How you carry your own legs

  and climb your own mountains

  This is about finding your voice

  and letting it shine through loud and clear

  We were blowing bubbles in the middle of the field. Laughing about things that reminded us of our childhood and everything we used to be. Once upon a time, you had my heart, and I had yours, but not all things work out the way we want them to. But I’m glad we still managed to stay friends. I’m glad after all the hurt, when I asked if you would leave, you said, “I wouldn’t dare.”

  Sometimes closure doesn’t happen right away, but rather later on. And you might not notice for a while until a friend points out that you’re smiling again. That you are laughing and not breaking every time you hear their name. It’s about coming home after a very long and exhausting adventure. It’s about finding your soul when you thought it had gone forever.

  I am searching for something soothing and comforting. Something that doesn’t make my heart feel like a rock, heavy in my chest. Something that gives me back my resilience.

  The wild air and the smell of lavender is enough to bring me back to life. When nature calls, I follow, no matter how blind my heart feels.

  We hold ourselves back sometimes, probably because we are afraid of the outcome. But life is about taking risks, jumping, even if you may fall. If you stay stagnant your whole life, you’ll never grow into your full potential.

  You were someone before your soul went missing. You are still someone while you are out searching. You are more than a forgotten road to an empty house. You are the entire highway, the whole map, the footprints leading you home.

  She wanders through towns as much as she wanders through hearts. Never one to stay in a place for too long. And when asked how she will possibly build a home, she says, “I have the sky, the mountains, and the trees. I am never on my own.”

  There is no time limit on realizing what you have lost. Some realize right away, and for others it takes longer. But they will realize when all the dust settles and the anger subsides; they will realize they have lost you. And the emptiness will hurt them more than they ever hurt you.

  We started at sunrise, on a stretch of highway leading us to the mountains. And I could hear my name being called through the wind, the clouds whispering the secrets of the forests. The sun willing to be our guide. Adventure awaited, and I was tired of all the fear. There would be no more hiding.

  She is not confined by time

  she is a running river

  seeking freedom to flow through life

  unchained

  Heartbreak was once sending a letter and never receiving one back. Now it’s texting and having the message read and never replied to. It’s still the same feeling. Rejection hurts. Being ignored hurts.

  How delicate your skin

  to cover a soul full of fears and complexities

  it doesn’t matter to me about your color

  but rather all your hopes and how true we stay to each other

  If anything

  be curious about

  the next day

  What it may

  bring

  The doors that may

  open

  There will be moments you wish you had an endless amount of. Moments you wish never had to end, adventures you wish could go on forever. And these are the moments you live for. A pink sky that lasts an extra few minutes; a field of flowers in full bloom; a clear, dark night to count the stars. Enjoy these moments, savor them, store them in your mind forever.

  You find inspiration in adventure. But adventure doesn’t have to always be climbing mountains and trail
blazing through ancient pathways. Sometimes adventure can be sitting in an armchair, watching the fire turn to embers, and realizing no matter where you are, you will rise from the ashes.

  Undress me

  not my clothes

  but rather

  my fears

  my walls

  my doubts

  Undress me

  and turn me

  inside out

  The garden needs

  unearthing

  time for fresh soil

  dig out all the weeds

  plant more flowers

  watch all the new colors

  start to regrow

  Sometimes an awfully big adventure

  is to stay inside

  look at yourself in the mirror

  and ask

  has my soul grown

  Life is meant to be lived one adventure to the next. Despite how small some adventures can be, they all mean something. Trips to the supermarket when it’s cold out, holding hands in line for a movie, studying by yourself in the corner of the library. All the small moments are strung together like fairy lights in the courtyard of a bar. When you have lived your life, it will be these small moments that matter.

  There we were, across from each other, and I’d never seen anyone more magical than her. She had her laptop, and I my notebook. Both lost in what we were doing. But I think that’s love, when you can be lost together.

  You finally start to learn who you are when you are a teenager, and suddenly the years go by in the blink of an eye and you are graduating as an adult, even if you are still looking at all the parts of yourself and asking why. But no one ever told you how badly someone can break your heart or that sometimes our friends don’t always stay our friends. No one ever told you that you can be happy and sad at the same time or just because someone is smiling doesn’t mean they’re fine. The people around you spoke of responsibility and growing up, but it never meant anything until now. Now it’s real and it’s scary, and it doesn’t feel like an adventure you want to begin. But you will learn, and you will find your way. Despite all the obstacles and how difficult it can be to live in a world where you are the maker of your own destiny, just remember that transformation starts with surrendering and ends in bravery.

  I want to know about your dreams and listen to you talk about your day. I want to hear your childhood stories and what makes your heart race. I want you to tell me your fears and trust me with your secrets. I want to listen to your favorite music while we lie in the middle of your bedroom floor and kiss until we can’t think anymore.

  It started at a bar: I saw her across the room, and I knew if I wanted to dance with anyone it was the girl who reminded me of the moon. Late at night, driving in her old car, making out to songs on the radio, I think I’m falling in love, but I don’t know. My heart was in my chest over a girl I’d just found, but it was 3 a.m. and I was telling her all the things I’d never said out loud. She put her arms around me and made me feel less alone; and in that moment, I was reminded that a person can be both an adventure and a home.

  And when the universe gave us life and told us to walk the earth, I am sure she wanted us to spend more time searching for the joy in the things that light up our soul. Rather than seeking validation in what others think or assume without knowing our whole story. Because others who don’t know you don’t know the stories inside you or the hopes and dreams your soul dares to have. Others cannot see the beauty and the strength that overflows inside your heart. Spend more time walking this earth with your head held high, your dreams flowing from your veins, and less time letting precious moments pass you by.

  Soul-searching is not a race

  We never begin in the same place

  Or run at the same speed

  We rarely end up at the same finish line

  You run your own race

  And match your own speed

  You finish at your own line

  There comes a point when you stop operating at the same frequency. When everything you thought you knew becomes just another station to tune in to. Soon, you realize there is more, that there always will be more. That you will continue growing and evolving and changing. As a result, your habits change, you walk in and out of people’s lives, and they walk in and out of yours. You find wonder in different things. You grow to love things you never thought you would. Our souls are not meant to operate at the same frequency all our lives; they are meant to create waves.

  The most beautiful thing is listening to stories come from the soul. The way someone’s face lights up when they speak of the things that drive them and complete them. Or of the dreams they have, the hopes they wish for, the changes they want to make to the world. I get dizzy off other people’s passion. I see stars in the eyes of people who want to make a difference. I have a place in my heart for the people who choose kindness every time they start a new day.

  The search

  will take

  your light,

  your patience,

  your breath

  But the awakening

  will restore

  your grace,

  your endurance,

  your hope

  Not all people find themselves while on the road. Some have been to the center of bustling cities and the deepest hidden places in quiet towns, and they are still searching. It won’t matter how many stamps are in your passport. The journey starts and ends with you. I will give you moments that take your breath away. I will go with you through times you did not think you would ever see. I will remind you to laugh and to hold on to memories. I will pray the world moves to give everyone the basic rights and needs to be free. I will work to make you believe in the beauty of the earth; and in the end, when you return home, I will hope you have found your worth.

  If your soul is whole

  More than anything, I am in love with the way you carry your heart. How you hope for better things and dream of a life that is a little less confusing. My love for you exists in all the veins of my heart—twisting, wielding a path to my soul.

  We were headed to the lake—just a weekend vacation away. Your feet were on the dashboard of my car, your hair moving in the wind, our favorite song playing on the radio. And I remembered meeting you all those months ago, how my chest felt tight almost all the time, and my body ached of all my life’s memories I’d left behind. And now, how you are my breath of fresh air, my shoulder when I need to cry, my ear when I need someone to listen. No more aching or doubting, just the view of you, my heart pounding. If this is what love is, then mine for you is greater than this universe.

  There are people who have always loved the forest, no matter if the trees are full or bare. That’s the kind of love you deserve. Someone who loves you in every season.

  For years, I have been a building, with empty spaces and corners where the light barely touches. I have been full of dust and darkness, my heart uninhabitable. But then I met you, and you made the days feel warm and planted gardens in my bones, and suddenly you turned me back into a home.

  The human heart is controlled by an electrical system. It is the reason your heart has rhythm. Funny, isn’t it, how when I met you I could feel the electricity beating through my heart. As though suddenly I had given all control to you.

  I want to know everything, but maybe not all at once. When you broke your arm rolling down a hill. How you were stung by a bee in third grade and cried. The doubt you feel before you take on your greatest challenge. If you’ve felt alone. What it means to you to create a home. I want to know the things that make you feel like you are enough; I want to be that love. I want to know all the things that make up who you are, and I want to learn about them for the rest of our lives.

  I am not sure how everything about us makes so much sense, but i
t does. When the light catches your eyes, I know what it means to love the sun. When I reach for you in the dark, knowing I am reaching for someone beautiful, I know what it means to love the shadows. When every color starts to bleed into one, I know what it means to love the universe. I can’t pretend to understand everything in this life, but I understand my love for you.

  My wish for you is to feel me near you wherever you go. That you feel me in the stars as you look at the night sky, that you feel me in the breeze as you drive in the open among these old oak trees. That in your dreams you won’t think of our love as bittersweet, or painful, or too hard to go on. Instead you will feel our love, running, rushing like water along the river. And all the roses I’ve ever given you will bloom rather than wither.

  The stars and colors you see

  when you rub your eyes

  are called phosphenes.

  I wonder what it is called

  every time I close my eyes

  and I see your face in the stars

  and our love in the colors.

  You deserve someone who loves you in every heartbeat. Someone who thinks about you at one point or another during their day and doesn’t punish you on the days you aren’t feeling okay. You deserve someone who listens as you talk about your interests, who will motivate you to always strive. You deserve someone who makes you feel alive.