Pillow Thoughts Page 3

  There is happiness in this lifetime

  one day these troubles will fade

  all your strength is in the skyline

  no matter how heavy your heart weighs

  And some days it seems

  hope and despair take turns

  but despite all our sadness

  the sun always returns

  I just wanted you to know

  That I’ll never care

  How far you push me away

  Because when I told you

  That I would stay

  I meant it.

  You’re a little lost

  And a little damaged

  But you’re not hopeless.

  I know who you are

  I love who you are

  And that’s why I’ll stay

  So you learn to love

  Yourself too.

  I know you’re scared right now

  Maybe you miss

  Someone

  Maybe your heart hurts a little

  Or a lot

  Or maybe you’re not quite sure

  Of who you are

  Or what you want

  But that feeling you

  Want back

  The one where it doesn’t seem

  Like the whole world is against

  You

  It’s still here

  It never really left

  And one day you will realise

  That the only person

  Who can find it again

  Is you

  There are little pieces of happiness and they are scattered through your day. So take a basket with you as you step outside, fill it up with all the little pieces and bring it back inside. Take a moment, just by yourself, take out all of the pieces and place them on your shelf.

  I hope you know you are loved. I hope things get simpler for you, peaceful. Spend your days with easy breaths and soft words. You deserve light through your windowsill. I hope it comes your way soon.

  If you are sad

  Who made you feel this way

  Like your heart’s too heavy

  And all its soft parts

  Are gone?

  Who made you feel

  Like this toxic thing

  Like no one

  Wants you

  And you don’t belong?

  Who made you feel

  Like your scars

  Aren’t beautiful

  And your baggage

  Isn’t worth carrying?

  Who made you feel

  Like you don’t

  Deserve everything

  And you aren’t

  Someone worth keeping?

  Just tell me where

  It all went wrong

  So I can make you feel

  Like you really belong

  You’re beautiful

  without even trying

  but each time

  I bring you a flower

  it ends up dying

  and you don’t see

  how I look at you

  you just keep crying

  and the saddest part

  is that you’re so special

  but you think I’m lying

  The stars have died

  And left their light to you

  Remember this when

  You feel weak

  And worthless

  And blue

  I have never known what this sadness feels like

  when you cannot feel the sun or the air around you

  And time they say will heal you

  but even my own mother doesn’t know what to do.

  You said you wouldn’t hurt me

  You promised to keep me safe

  You knew what the others had done

  and I fell for the sincerity on your face.

  Maybe I deserved this

  for trusting someone who could manipulate so easily

  Maybe I deserved this

  for not listening when mother knows best.

  But all I was trying to do

  was show you that even a monster can be loved.

  Is that why you play the music so loud? A beat to drown out the thoughts, sound so high you cannot think, lyrics so close to home, you don’t even blink.

  It’s exhausting to be locked in your head with all these thoughts that tie you down. Just for one moment, try with all your might to let go of all the things that stop you from being you.

  I understand why people take flight from bridges,

  I understand why a girl holds a blade to her wrist,

  I understand why a grown man cries counting all his lists.

  What I wish for the world to understand,

  is that in these fragile moments,

  patience and love are needed most.

  My soul is numb, and I am desperate to feel. In times of distress and sadness, mornings are no longer forgivable, and waking up isn’t ideal.

  I knew what I was going to say; I had rehearsed my goodbye over and over again, but you left without a word.

  I keep wondering

  how sad do I have to be

  for someone to stop insisting

  everything is going to be fine?

  You promised you would never take a road that I could not follow, yet here we are; I’m crying on the bathroom floor and you’ve taken the road I couldn’t follow.

  If I had a list of all the things that still make me cry, some days you would be at the end and others the very start.

  This sadness that they say can be beautiful, what sadness is this? Because my sadness rips me apart from the inside, and there isn’t a thing beautiful about it.

  Of all the tragedies on this earth, there is none more tragic than a person who cannot see their worth.

  Sometimes sadness does not have a source. There is no immediate solution, no escape plan from its clutches. Instead you learn to coincide, as though sadness is an old friend who needs a gentle nudge in the right direction.

  The tragedy of what could have been

  is nearly as crippling as what once was

  but can never be again.

  Even sadness needs someone in its corner.

  You won’t remember, they say, when someone drifts away. One minute you are talking about life’s greatest adventures and listening to mixtapes on Monday afternoons, and the next their presence is replaced with silence: a fragile nonexistence with nothing else to lose. But I will always remember our drift. It took up all this space, like a planet with many moons. It was the year you forgot my birthday.

  Everyone has a part inside

  that aches with a sadness

  sometimes you cannot hide.

  It will start with the big things, like their seat next to you at the family dinner table on Sunday evenings or their name next to yours on invitations. And then suddenly all the little things will fade too. You won’t remember the sound of their voice in the morning or how their hand felt in yours. You won’t remember all the tiny details of every date you had or all the conversations you shared late at night. And then one day someone will ask you their favourite colour, and you’ll hesitate.

  There are days where triggers are around every corner, lurking in shadows where darkness spills heavy breaths and tight chests. Anxiety is a devastating thing. No matter how many times you are told to “breathe” it feels as though the air has all but thinned, and despite every logical reason to remain calm, you feel like a ship without its sails in the middle of a raging storm.

  Even if your sadness

  feels quite heavy

  the truth is

  it’s just a paperweight

  Learn to turn the page

  I saw an angel once

  But she had lost her wings

  I saw an angel once

  She seemed broken of all things

  I saw an angel once

  And asked her why she was sad

  The angel looked at me and said

  “Because the world has gone mad”

  May your wea
pon be kindness

  Your shield compassion

  May the flowers grow again

  To sprout love from all this sadness

  One day you are going to look at someone and say, “I survived.” There is great satisfaction in that. Even more if the person staring back comes from your mirror.

  If you are missing someone

  If I had any say and my life to do again, I’d have moved us closer.

  There goes the love of my life

  Passing by in my dreams

  It’s been so long since I’ve knocked on her door

  Sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong

  And I can’t sleep

  And I can’t think

  And I will keep driving this long road

  Until the darkness fades and the morning rises

  Only 30 more days and lonely nights in between

  Until I see her again

  It’s been so hard

  Some days I can’t wake up

  Some days I fall apart

  But she has never left my dreams

  There goes the love of my life

  We are standing at the edge of the world and yet we still do not meet. You are soaked in daylight and I am covered in the night. My heart yearns for our eclipse.

  I am sorry we are in different states and towns

  I am sorry for that day I didn’t reply so you drove sixteen hours of dark highway

  We are breaking the whole world’s heart, all these lonely nights without each other

  Or maybe the world is slowly breaking us

  I’m sorry for all the days we’ve spent separately

  I’m sorry for all the time we cannot make up

  I’m sorry for being caught up in all your lonely

  I just wanted a place to stay

  You were always miles away. Maybe you were just always meant to be miles away. The distance saw us together in a dream and thought we were better off without all the mess.

  It’s 3am and I am lying alone

  Because you just hung up the phone

  We’ve spent half the night arguing

  Because you’re there and I’m here

  But what else can we do

  I guess this is growing up

  When things don’t work out

  And you fight to hold on

  Until you realise that sometimes

  The only thing you have

  Is to keep moving on

  It feels like the universe closes in around us when you touch me. But the moment is so fleeting and you are gone again. Then it is just me with too much space. The universe is awfully large and I am awfully small and I wish you were here to close the space.

  There is so much noise

  The city never sleeps

  And I long for just one day everything is so

  quiet

  You and I could hear the clouds move

  It’s midnight and I thought about

  Boarding a plane and meeting you in the city

  I thought about stitching you into my skin

  So you’d be with me as I slept

  I wish you were here

  Or I were there

  Because my heart caves in when I look at you

  And it feels like your hands twist around

  My rib cage

  And take the air from my lungs

  My head starts pounding

  And I just want to kiss you

  It’s midnight

  And I just want you

  I will love you through all the miles and the thoughts late at night.

  I will love you through every day and as the darkness turns to light.

  It’s four o’clock in the afternoon and this is the hardest part.

  But this is the way I love you, even if most days we are apart.

  You take up all the space in my heart

  and when you are not here

  I am jealous of the sheets that hold you,

  because I am kept awake by the distance that keeps us apart.

  But when I am with you

  I can barely express how much I care.

  So let’s just stay in bed all day

  and I’ll play with your hair.

  We can share every innocent dream and talk about all our fears

  and I will run my hands across your thighs and your hips.

  I will kiss your forehead, your knuckles, and your lips.

  Just tell me softly that you love me,

  because when you said my name,

  I swear my heart was never the same.

  Wait for me,

  I am coming home.

  Wait for me,

  You are the soul

  I have always known.

  Chicago

  I’m in Chicago and you’re at home,

  how can we be so in love and yet so alone?

  It’s been so hard, how many more days must we be apart?

  All the nerves in my heart, wondering if things have changed,

  All the time apart, wondering if we’ll still be the same.

  I’m in Chicago and you’re at home, and I’m watching life pass.

  I miss you when I am alone.

  Before the river takes our love and carries it out to sea,

  I wanted to thank you for loving someone as broken as me.

  I know it wasn’t easy,

  I know it wore you down.

  Before the cities burn to ashes and the sky rains tears,

  I wanted to say I’m sorry for all these wasted years.

  Before our bones are no more our bones

  and our lips are no longer our lips,

  I hope you take a lover who sails a different ship.

  May your nights become less brutal

  and your mornings a little kinder,

  may your heart find warmth with someone older

  and a little wiser.

  I’ve made a funny little habit of parking out near the bay. I like to watch the planes take off, fly overhead and disappear into the clouds. I pretend I am up there too, on my way to see you.

  Here is to tomorrow, bringing us one day closer to each other, until the day arrives that we meet again. Midnight weighs heavy on my soul as the earth folds into itself, every fold bringing us closer together.

  And in the end it all matters, this distance that we are, creating all this longing.

  The butterflies I feel for you, listening to our song on the radio, the way I miss you even in the early hours of the morning.

  Wondering about the day I will have you through the night before.

  The words are melting in my mouth like snow and I feel like I’m running on empty, but there are only 17 more days until you’re home. I have dreamt every night of the morning we are together again. You will be drinking coffee and I will be talking about how the leaves are changing. In your absence I can barely speak a word, but soon you will be home, and I will watch the leaves until we are together again.

  But your love is not with you, not tomorrow or the day after or the next. So you find your lover in your dreams, and this is why you are always smiling in the dark, right before you sleep.

  Time is valuable. For all the time we’ve lost by not being together, it has made you the most valuable thing to me.

  But life has plans for all people. Even if those plans separate us from the ones we love. No matter where my life takes me or yours takes you, I will love you whether there are 1000 miles between us or none at all.

  The distance isn’t going to be easy. No one wants to sleep in an empty bed while you think about the one you love sleeping in theirs. Long distance relationships are difficult but they can also be beautiful. Imagine building a foundation of love, trust and honesty without even a single touch. Then imagine the foundation when the snow finally returns to the mountain.

  If you need encouragement

  I will not bandage all your

  Wounds

  I will not kiss all your

  Bruises

  I wil
l not admire all your

  Scars

  Instead I will watch you

  As you bandage yourself

  And mend all your bruises

  And wear your own scars

  Because you are your own

  Hero

  And all your sadness is

  Yours

  And I will love you

  Because of it

  All

  She’s that girl

  who doesn’t believe

  in herself all that

  much

  and for the life of me

  I can’t understand

  why

  because my belief

  in her

  goes beyond the sky

  I think about people sometimes

  Like how they have their coffee

  And if they like butter on their toast

  I think about whether they’re

  Afraid of the same things I am

  And whether they’re chasing

  Dreams every day

  I think about the scars they

  Have on their bodies

  And the light that shines in their eyes

  I think about whether they